I had this weird dream in which I was in a dungeon, facing hooded inquisitors. "Helwig, you are charged with being the Inventor of Clickbait," said the hooded men as they ripped strips of skin from my dorsal antebrachium, "That wasn't me!" I screamed.
"Helwig, we've collected hundreds of misleading SooToday headlines as early as 2002. Look at this one. 'Mayor admits to eight-year-old parole violation.' We clicked on that and it was about some high school production of Les Misérables starring Hilary Connell! You are the Father of Clickbait, Helwig!"
"But, but," I stammered. "My intentions were honourable. I knew that hardly any of you clicked on my stories about awesome fundraising and cultural events, so I used trick headlines to make you pay attention.
“You realized it the moment you clicked and read the first line. Whenever I made you watch a 20-minute YouTube video, you immediately discovered it was the coolest thing you'd ever seen and it was about people you knew!”
"You have just confessed your guilt," said the stern men wearing protohoodies.
I felt the initial sear of the flames against my right temple, and saw a thousand phosphenes of light.
I had this weird dream in which I was in a dungeon, facing hooded inquisitors. "Helwig, you are charged with being the Inventor of Clickbait," said the hooded men as they ripped strips of skin from my dorsal antebrachium, "That wasn't me!" I screamed.
"Helwig, we've collected hundreds of misleading SooToday headlines as early as 2002. Look at this one. 'Mayor admits to eight-year-old parole violation.' We clicked on that and it was about some high school production of Les Misérables starring Hilary Connell! You are the Father of Clickbait, Helwig!"
"But, but," I stammered. "My intentions were honourable. I knew that hardly any of you clicked on my stories about awesome fundraising and cultural events, so I used trick headlines to make you pay attention.
“You realized it the moment you clicked and read the first line. Whenever I made you watch a 20-minute YouTube video, you immediately discovered it was the coolest thing you'd ever seen and it was about people you knew!”
"You have just confessed your guilt," said the stern men wearing protohoodies.
I felt the initial sear of the flames against my right temple, and saw a thousand phosphenes of light.
And then, I awoke.
I hate, hate, hate waking up with a migraine!